There’s a school of thought out there that says to make friends it’s important to be vulnerable by sharing your story. Some call it “being authentic.” Yet it’s been my experience that sharing your story when someone is trying to share theirs may end up pushing people away. Some would call that being self-centered. Today’s episode, though, is about three reasons to be stingy in sharing your story.
But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about.
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If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I’m your host, John Certalic, an award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.
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In the last episode
If the phrase “be stingy in sharing your story” sounds familiar it’s probably because you heard it used in episode 202, “The Best Stories.” It was in reference to the listening advice shared in the interview I did with Linda Crouch, a retired missionary friend. She talked about her friend Meg who listened well to Linda talking about her recent trip to Nigeria. Even though Meg was a missionary herself, she was stingy in sharing her own story. So Linda had all the time she needed to tell hers.
I love this word, “stingy.” I never thought of it being a good word with a positive connotation to it. Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol come to mind when I hear the word “stingy.”
But in the context of relationships, “stingy in sharing our story” is a great principle on several levels, when used properly. Here are three reasons why:
Being stingy in sharing your story honors the person sharing theirs
In any meaningful conversation you can’t have two stories going on at once. Unfortunately, though, you see this happening all too often. Tune in any TV or radio news show with 3 or more hosts and invariably you hear them talking over each other, fighting for air time.
A meaningful conversation requires someone to take the high road by being quiet and listening. We honor people when we relinquish our turn to be the center of attention. It gives voice to people who may not have had a voice.
It’s a biblical principle as well. James 1:19, that familiar passage says, “…be quick to listen and slow to speak.” When we take that to heart and put it into practice it manifests another Biblical concept we read in Romans 12:10, “…take delight in honoring each other.”
Being stingy in sharing your story brings out the best in you
A second reason why being stingy with your story when someone is sharing theirs is a great practice is because it brings out the best in you.
The best in you displays relational hospitality, where you invite people into interaction with you by giving them the floor and allowing them to be the focus of attention.
To let someone go first in sharing their story is an act of humility, which is always found in the best of our character traits. It’s a sacrifice to let someone have the air time we would like.
Letting someone else have the spot light without interruption from you models what good listening looks like. And when we model something for others that will bring out the best in them, it brings out the best in ourselves.
Being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to our loneliness
As counterintuitive as it sounds, being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to loneliness. When you hold back on talking about yourself it creates an opportunity to learn about someone else and a possible point of connection based on their life, not yours.
We have a missionary friend who grew up in a large family where everyone talked. In order to be heard she learned how to fight for airtime by talking a lot herself. While that skill served her well as a child, it did just the opposite as an adult. Instead of drawing people to herself, talking a great deal pushed people away. Consequently, she was often lonely.
Another thing. When we hold back on talking about ourself so that others can share their story it creates the possibility of broadening our world, which tends to dissipate loneliness.
Now I’ll be the first to admit that many times the stories people share about themselves are boring and repetitive. I know, because some of my stories are boring and repetitive.
A brother-in-law story
Recently though, Janet and I were at an extended family event that wasn’t all that interesting to me, and as the afternoon wore on I was itching to go home. Janet, however, was thoroughly enjoying herself and didn’t want to leave.
At one point the subject of military service was mentioned, which prompted me to ask my brother-in-law Rich, “Were you ever in the service?”
“Yes,” he said, but nothing more.
I then asked, “What was your your role, your job?”
“Paratrooper,” Rich said.
That one word answer changed my mood entirely. I’ve known Rich for many years, but never knew he was paratrooper. This prompted me to ask more more questions about his military service that I found really interesting. Especially about the mechanics of jumping out of airplanes with a parachute on your back.
I was so glad I coaxed my brother-in-law into sharing his story instead of telling parts of my own. It made for a far more interesting afternoon.
Being stingy with your story doesn’t mean remaining silent about it
One final thought on this whole matter: Being stingy with your story doesn’t mean remaining silent about it. It’s more about waiting your turn. It’s about going last, not first. Good listeners do that, you know.
So what about YOU?
I wonder. Is it possible you may be too generous in sharing your story in ways that keeps someone from sharing theirs?
I also wonder if being stingy with your story isn’t a problem for you, how are you handling the results of letting others fill the air waves with the sound of their voice. What goes on inside you when you can’t get a word in edgewise because other people are dominating the conversation and sucking the air time available for anyone else to talk.
I’ve got some thoughts on this that I’ll share at another time, but I do wonder how others deal with this relational dynamic
Because someone listened…
One of our listeners wrote in to tell what happened to her because someone listened. She tells the story of two friends who walked beside her through the death and grief of her 40-something daughter who died of cancer.
“I can’t count the number of times I drove out of their driveway with warm refreshing healing teardrops flowing down my cheeks. Over the years — but especially these past 18 months on the hardest journey I never would have signed up for — they welcomed me with open arms, listened to my ongoing expressions of grief and struggle, fed me with an abundance of Papa God’s love and delicious food, and brought the beauty of laughter into the hard. Their listening love has been a gift of GRACE wrapped in a ribbon of GOLD.”
I bet you have stories of what happened to you because someone listened. We’d like to hear them.
Closing
Before we wrap up today’s show, if you’d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you’re dealing with, I’d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you’d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.
I’ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.
In closing, I’d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to be stingy in sharing your own story so someone else can share theirs.
For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.
Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.
And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.
Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All
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